Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
