it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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