Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
