I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize