we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
