Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
wanna go halves on a baby?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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