There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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