May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
