dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
