i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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