Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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