It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
