you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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