The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
