I puked a lego.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
this boner is exhausting
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
