I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
