i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
