I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
