i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
