this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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