You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
