If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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