i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
