RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
