so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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