Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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