apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
