When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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