We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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