Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
