One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
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