My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
