My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
