You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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