i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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