i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
