He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
