listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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