You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
