thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
She said her name was "party"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
