Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
