Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
