Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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