Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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