I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
