every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
