You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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