tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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