I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
