Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
