If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
