i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
