is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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