Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
