i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
