at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
