You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
