Need sex. Gaining weight.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Randomize